There were many dark moments in my life. Moments of deep depression, regret, loneliness, guilt. I do believe that most people find themselves in this place of darkness. But perhaps not. I could be wrong; I’ve been wrong before. So let me just speak for myself. There were many dark moments in my life, moments of deep darkness and loneliness.
For now, I won’t go into the long and torturous path I took. Suffice to say, all along this road I was always looking for something. Looking into the deep woods that lined the road, or looking into the sky above between the clawing branches, looking in books along the way, looking into they eyes of lovers, into the reflections in midnight pools and in the sparkling sunlight that glinted off the edge of the hill ahead. Always looking and always sorry for the things I’d done to ease my dis-ease. For it truly was a disease, this sadness, this longing, this grasping. Embarrassing too, this stereotypical behavior that told the world I was a lost soul and an idiot.
A life-long Buddhist, I nevertheless longed for the forgiveness of God, of Christ, and yet, as a life-long Buddhist, I didn’t believe in God. Or did I? I do remember things from my childhood. That time when I was 10 and the children were knocking at the door asking me to come out to play. No, I couldn’t; I was reading the Bible. Or that time I was in a little church all alone and a beam of light touched me and music swelled and I called out to my grandfather, who was outside doing some carpentry on the church, “Where’s that music coming from?!”. “What music?”, his reply. Or dozens of other times.
And so, it was Christmas, and I had been going to church with my girlfriend, exploring the possibilities of Christ. Was this for me? I had always thought that becoming a Christian would be the weirdest thing that could happen to me. Not afraid of new ideas, I was exploring this idea, that Christ was worth looking into.
I heard a beautiful Christmas carol that year called “Jesus Christ the Apple Tree” (see performance). The song talks about becoming weary of the world and especially one’s struggles in it. Of how we strive in the world and find so little satisfaction and how, in the song, Christ is the fruit and the beauty. But these words especially spoke to me: “I’m weary with my former toil, Here I will sit and rest awhile: Under the shadow I will be, Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.” ( read full lyrics). “Here I will sit and rest awhile…”.
For a man weary of his former toil, these words were almost magical. I could see myself in this safe place, cared for, loved, sitting bathed in a peaceful light. The entire picture was so compelling for me that I think that is the moment that I realized that my worst fear might one day happen, I might become a Christian. But for now, I need only sit under the tree.
I had already learned one thing in my reading, one concept, prior to hearing these words, and that was the notion of giving it all to Christ. But what can we possibly give Christ, if he does exist? It goes like this, give him what you have. What do you have? You have your sorrow, your regret, your guilt, and not just that, you have your talent, your smile, your hopes and dreams. Just give all of it to Christ. That is your offering and, for now just trust me, Christ can take whatever you give.
What’s the big deal? So what if you do this? Well, if you give your sorrow away, give your regrets away, give your guilt away, then you don’t carry them anymore, do you? Oh, but can you do this? Can you give these things away? Or are they part of who you are? Are you clinging to your guilt or regrets as much as you cling to food and love? I think yes. But let me only speak for myself; yes, these things I clung to. They defined me. And they made me miserable, but without them, who was I?
So…I kneeled down one day, right there in the privacy of my little apartment, in front of a makeshift altar, and I gave it all away, gave all of it, every ugly thing, and every beautiful thing, to Christ, as an offering. It was a long list, very long. I was determined to get it all out and the more I talked the more I remembered, until there was nothing more and, in any case, my tears would allow no more words to come out.
That was the day I gave it up, gave it all away, and sat down to rest awhile under Jesus Christ the Apple Tree.
